Extreme Weather: A Theory

The past 4 weeks have brought some of the most extreme and variable winter weather I can ever remember Hood River having. Arctic air, record snow depths, huge icicles, black ice, freezing rain, slush, mountain rain, sudden warming by westerly winds, spring-like days, heavy rain, and flooding. I've almost certainly left some things out.

There's plenty of theories and models attempting to explain the extreme weather this winter. I've really enjoyed the excellent links and discussions in the new Hood River Weather "Live Chat" window. Not having a strong background in weather modeling, I've learned a lot, and have had fun doing it. But, come on. All this talk of models and ENSO and ocean temperatures and ocean conveyor belts is, quite frankly, crazy talk.

I have developed my own (more sane) theory as to why our mild weather turned to extreme weather when it did. It's consistent with my observations, elegant in its simplicity, and, (due to Occam's Razor) almost certainly correct. I see the pattern clearly, and it's a perfect fit.

On Dec 13, 2008, at approximately 16:30, I created the chat room, inserted it into the site code, and turned it on. Within hours, the weather patterns started to change. Arctic air moved in. Snow. Ice. A weather pattern shift of monstrous proportions!

I am now almost certain that, by plugging in the chat room, I inadvertently opened a window into the "Extreme Weather Dimension" (EWD). And, at that moment, the "Extreme Weather Dimension Monster" (EWDM) stepped through into our world. Ever since, it (the EWDM) has been wreaking havoc on our weather.

Now... whether this was due to cosmic strings oscillating off-key, or multiple strings colliding in the d-dimension of space/time, well, I just couldn't tell you. But that's not important. It happened, and I take full responsibility for my tragic miscalculations.

It's clear to me now what I must do next. I've seen the movies. I must somehow dive into the chat room, thereby entering the EWD. I'll do this at a time when there is no one else in there; your safety is of upmost concern. Once in, I must taunt the EWD Monster (who is wreaking havoc on our weather); enraging it sufficiently so that it storms back into the EWD, where I will be ready and waiting...

Oh yes, I will be ready for it. While I engage it in battle, at the proper moment I will pull the plug on the chat room (EWD). Victory! I have lured the enraged EWDM back into the EWD and our weather can return to a normal winter pattern! I have rectified my sins! I have... oh shit...

I have trapped myself in the EWD with the enraged EWDM, and I have closed the portal.

Ok, I've got some work to do on the details. I'll let you know how things develop. In any event, enjoy the more normal winter weather coming up.

Changes ahead for the HR Weather live chat room. Stay tuned...

The EWD Monster in a more restful mood... but getting slightly irritated...